The Truth
Posted by wrkncacnter on September 5, 2009 under Painful truth | 
2 Comments to Read
Although you will not get me to admit it elsewhere, the book of knowledge does not lie. DRONG is not a cat 
Howto: Create Quality Images
Posted by wrkncacnter on July 25, 2009 under HowTo | Read the First Comment
Thousands of fans have been emailing me asking what it takes to make a high quality picture with their favorite graphics editing program. I’m not talking about how to use the software, I’m talking about the overall process of creating an image you can be proud of. Well here is the official HowTo artists have been missing out on since the beginning of time. If you can master the steps in this guide and follow them with every picture you create, you will know that you have earned the W’rk Stamp of Approval.
Step 1: Decide that you need an image
First of all, you need to ask yourself if an image is really required. The answer is yes, it is. However, it’s always better if you’re trying to create an image to make a point. Your target audience is stupid, and most of them probably can’t read, so an image is the best way to get your point across.
Step 2: Decide on the size of your image
This is an obvious step, but it may not always be obvious what the proper size should be. Think about what you’re trying to create and what you will use it for. If you’re creating an icon for an application, you want to make it at least 1024×1024. When it comes to icons, details are very important (see http://lochnits.com/images/downloadicon.png for an example of a good sized download icon). If on the other hand you want to create a picture that needs to be seen from a distance, you can usually stick to 100×100 or so. Remember, you can always scale up the image after you’re done. For most other pictures, you’ll want to stick to something simple like 640×480 or 800×600.
In my example, I’ll pick 640×480.
/!\
For all of the following steps, you should only use the buttons on the main toolbar of your graphics editing program. Don’t waste your time with any of the special options in the menu. They make your pictures look unprofessional, and frankly, it makes it look like you tried too hard.
/!\
Step 3: Create the background
The background of your image will set the tone for the rest of the picture, so this is a very important step. People who make their backgrounds all one color have herpes (Unless you want it to be all white, see below for more details in this case). You’ll want to create a mix of different colors. Please don’t be afraid it will look ugly. If you’re worried it’s starting to look bad, just throw a few different colors into the mix and you’ll be fine. It is also important to think about which kind of brush to use. There is no right or wrong decision for this, you just have to pick something based on what you’re trying to accomplish with the image.
Sometimes, you want to make an image that is completely underwhelming. In this case, making a huge image with an all white background is the right answer. If this is what you’re creating, you can skip this step.
In my example, I’m going to use the fill tool and start out with a puke-green canvas. I use the GIMP, and next I’m going to select the airbrush tool. This is a great tool to use if you want to mix a bunch of colors together. Any brush will do. I’ll pick one that looks sufficiently retarded and start randomly filling in bits of the picture, changing colors frequently. After you’ve filled in half of the background with whatever brush you were using, pick a different brush and continue. Mix up the brush type as many times as needed to make sure things don’t start to look too stupid. Keep going until almost all of the original fill color is covered with something.
At this point, you’ve got a good background, and are ready to move on. For reference, here is the result of my image so far:
Step 4: Draw the main part of your image
This is what the picture is all about. In most cases you’ll want to make this part stand out from your background, but I’ve seen it blend in to the point where you can barely see it, and that can work well too. All I can suggest is try it both ways, and see which one you like better. Use the one you didn’t like as well, because you are always wrong. Forget the air brush, now it’s time to use something that will result in a solid color.
Some people complain at this step saying the background is too distracting and they can’t find a good place to draw their main image. These are the same people that had to leave in the middle of class because they shit their pants. If you have to, just pretend the background isn’t even there. It looks fine, I assure you.
My picture is going to be of a waterfall. You could probably see this coming, because it’s obvious my background was setting the tone for a beautiful scenic image. I’m not here to teach you the technique for actually drawing this part. All I can say is, do it quickly. This isn’t something that should take much of your time. If you’re adding a few things to give your image more atmosphere, but you find it’s starting to take more than a few minutes, you may want to grab a picture off the internet and paste it into yours. No one can tell you did this, trust me.
Before we more on, make sure you’re on the right track. Here is my picture so far:
Step 5: Add some text
There isn’t a picture in existance that couldn’t benefit from some text. No no, don’t use the text tool, the people that make these editors just put that button there to weed out the people that scream when they get their arms chopped off. If you are one such pussy, get the hell off my site. You need to use the pencil tool and draw in your own text. It gives your image a more personal touch. Nothing looks more professional that spelling out what something is in your image. That DOES NOT mean you need to worry about spelling things correctly, however. REMEMBER TO INCLUDE ARROWS.
Step 6: Add the finishing touches
You’re almost done! But there is one final step to complete before your picture is worth anything. You always need to throw in something completely unrelated, and it can’t be hand drawn. The GIMP already has taken this into consideration and has conveniently included a pepper stamp into the main toolbar. You can’t really go wrong with that, but in any other case, you’ll probably want to pull some picture from the internet. In my case, I decided to include an image of a tooth, and put it in the top left corner of the image.
Now I’ve got a pretty good picture here, but I’m missing the message that I’m trying to get across to the person viewing the image. So, to fix this problem I’m going to cut out part of the image in the shape of a testicle. Then this picture will serve as a warning that you could lose a testicle.
Take one final scan and make sure you have something in your image that only a few people will understand, and you’re set.
There you have it, the final image. A beautiful waterfall picture with some scenery while at the same time serving as a good message to keep your testicles safe. Obviously, your image won’t be as good, but hopefully you’re a better artist after reading this. Good luck!
Story Time!
Posted by wrkncacnter on July 7, 2009 under story | Read the First Comment
Biff ran ahead of the other boys. He always needed to be the first to reach the lake. For nearly the whole semester, the three of them skipped their classes every thursday afternoon to play in the water and climb the trees. Now it was mostly a game for them to see how much trouble they could get in.
Every time the boys ditched class, their parents were notified and they kept getting in more and more trouble. They had all been grounded after the second thursday, but they made a pact with each other to keep ditching class no matter what. The boy who ended up with the biggest punishment would win their little contest. Plouche had so far managed to rack up 10 days worth of detention at school and was grounded for 3 months at home.
“Seriously, dudes. How long should we keep this up? At this rate we won’t be able to get out of our houses ever again except for school. And it won’t be long before they start keeping an eye on us and prevent us from leaving the school either” said Biff.
Plouche gave Biff an annoyed look. “Shut up. You’re just jealous because you’re only grounded for a month. Your parents are pussies.” He moved farther out onto the branch so he could jump into a deeper part of the lake. “Marin is already way ahead of both of us, but I haven’t given up yet. I think my parents are about to snap.”
“Some of us are just born with awesome parents, though. My punishments are just getting started and I bet I’ve already been punished far more than any of you ever will.” Marin’s words slurred a bit as he tenderly touched his face. The previous week, his parents heard about yet another set of classes that he had ditched and grounded him for 2 years. On top of that, his mom forced him to wear a straitjacket for the night. He wasn’t allowed to have dinner until he used the candles in his room to burn off the duct tape covering his face.
Plouche wondered how long they had been sitting by the lake this time. Biff had expressed his concern that the school may have figured out where they ran off to during the day and would send someone after them. He wasn’t too worried about it, but at the same time he really didn’t want to have to meet the school janitor out here isolated from the rest of the kids. That was a douchebag he did not want to have to talk to ever again.
Minutes dragged on for what seemed like at least 62 seconds each, and the sun moved across the sky. The day turned into slightly later that day.
“Alright guys, we really should go.” Biff had been looking around nervously for the last 15 minutes and now he was starting to sound worried.
“Yeah, alright.” Marin put his shoes on and slowly started to head away from the lake with Biff.
“Just a second guys. I just want to listen to the water for just another minute.” Plouche stood still for quite a while taking in the scene around him. He knew it would not be long until he would be yelled at and have to spend the rest of the night in the cold dark basement again.
He finally turned to leave and join his friends. Marin led the way while Biff stayed in the back, ready to run at any sight of someone from the school. After a minute of walking, the three boys reached the place where they would split up to go to their homes. Marin took this opportunity to spin around and punch Plouche in the stomach. Biff had simultaneously hit Plouche in the back of the head with the largest rock he could find.
After Plouche had fallen to the ground hurt, confused and barely concious, Biff grabbed his arms to hold him in place. Marin wasted no time pulling out his pair of scissors and after a decent amount of time, effort and a whole lot of screaming, Plouche’s ear was finally removed from the rest of his head.
“OH GOD. WHY. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS?” Biff had never heard anyone scream quite like this before.
Marin kneeled down and smiled at Plouche. “You know exactly what you did. We’ve told you a thousand times, and you just never listen.” He spit in Plouches face as Biff let him go.
Right after Marin kicked Plouche in the face one final time, he turned, disgusted, and said, “Stop camping.”
THE FUCKING END
—
So, what did we learn here today? Any story is automatically made awesome if it ends with “Stop camping”. Thanks to Jon Irons for this wonderful discovery. If you need further proof, check out these fantastic stories:
http://www.pfhorums.com/index.php?s=0cebf6e24bd524f9df8b0e640ecc4b5c&showtopic=2900&view=findpost&p=38680
http://clique.jonirons.net/2008/06/love-lost/
Proper Greetings
Posted by wrkncacnter on April 21, 2009 under Conversation | Be the First to Comment
It surprises me how many people don’t seem to realize that a nice hearty “Fuck, you” is a great way to start off any conversation. For those of you that already were aware of this, bear with me. I feel this is the time and place to finally set the record straight about this.
The best thing about this greeting is that it works when addressing one person or multiple people. Let’s say you’re joining your co-workers at lunch one day. As you sit down, just scan the table quickly and give a nice loud “Fuck, you”. Make sure to keep your voice up, no one likes a mumbler. Everyone at the table will immediately feel the warm glow of your presence. As if you need any more convincing, it also makes everyone feel relaxed and leads to a friendlier atmosphere. I know I started off a conversation with “Fuck, you” while trying out Skype once, and let me tell you, that lead to what could have been one of the best conversations in history.
Just be careful when using this greeting. If you don’t put the comma in there, it will take on a very different meaning. If you’re not sure you’re saying it right, just remember: if you think there’s a long awkward pause after you say the first word, you’ve nailed it.
I’d say I hope reading this has helped enrich your life, but I already know that it has. When other people are still using lame greetings like “hello” and “hey”, you will now be able to impress them with your lively “Fuck, you”.
Did I mention it also is a good substitute for goodbye?
Fuck, you.
The Book
Posted by wrkncacnter on April 18, 2009 under introduction | Be the First to Comment
A long time ago I was joking around with a friend that someday I would write a book of knowledge. WELL! here it is: yet another joke gone too far. But don’t get me wrong, you should take the content on this page very seriously. I’m sure you will learn many things here and hopefully I can correct your understanding of all kinds of things you have been misinformed about in the past.
Over time, this page will fill up and eventually will contain everything. Of course, my job won’t be done at that point. Oh, no. It will then be time for me to start on Vol 2 of this wonderful book, which will contain everything else.